When the Apostle Paul wrote to the husbands and wives in Ephesus, he juxtaposed the marriage relationship of the Messiah and the church with that of the earthly husband and wife. As we look keenly into his teaching, we realize a few aspects that the Apostle is trying to bring in.
Firstly, he directly relates the relationship of Yeshua and the church with the creation of Adam and Eve. This is what Paul says, “For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’ ” (Eph. 5:30-32 NKJV). He calls this relationship a great mystery.
If we look at the text in Genesis that Paul refers to, this is what we read, “Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:22-24).
By comparing the verse in Ephesians with that in Genesis we see Paul has quoted from the Torah; first by showing how one individual is a part of the other (verse 30) and then by immediately quoting the next verse 31, in the same sequence as is found in the Torah.
The second aspect that Paul seeks to bring out in this relationship is oneness. He spares no effort to show that the mystery of marriage lies in the “two becoming one flesh”. This is why he calls the church members of the body of the Messiah, “members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones.”
The third aspect that Paul tries to highlight is the role of the husband and the wife. He first plainly states the position of one with the other—“the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church” (Eph. 5:23); and then proceeds to instruct the responsibility of each by showing how the husband should love his wife with selfless love (Eph. 5:25-29) and how the wife ought to be submissive and respectful as the Church is to the Messiah (Eph. 5:24, 33).
There is one more portion of scripture that I would like to refer to before I proceed with the main purpose of this writing and this text is in Genesis. God says, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him” (Gen. 2:18). In this text we see God defining the role of the woman, right at the start—that the woman is to be a helper to her husband. The Amplified Bible elaborates on this saying, “one who balances him—a counterpart who is] suitable and complementary for him.”
Now like Paul, I too attempt to juxtapose these two marriage relationships and if God permits, unravel a bit of the great mystery there is in marriage.
One of the most beautiful aspects of marriage that the Lord wants us to realise is the aspect of ‘oneness’. Bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh is the first secret of this mystery. When most read the verse, “and the two shall become one flesh”, most (and I include myself), would associate this primarily with sexual intercourse. And while it is true that this is one meaning of being one flesh, there is a deeper, greater oneness that the Lord wants us to recognize. For after saying, “It is not good for man to be alone”, he then says “I will make him a helper suitable for him.” There is a compatible, suitable, complimentary relationship that God desires a man and woman to experience with each other. The phrase, “do not be unequally yoked” is the first element to understand in the mystery (2Cor. 6:14-18).
The second element of the mystery is recognizing that in a relationship, we are one spirit with the other. For Scripture says, “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a harlot? Certainly not! Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For ‘the two,’ He says, ‘shall become one flesh.’ But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him” (1Cor. 6:15-17). Therefore, just as the church is one spirit with the Lord, so also are the husband and wife one spirit with each other. Once again the element of ‘oneness’ is highlighted. In the passage above we see how physical oneness is interlinked with spiritual oneness.
The third aspect to the mystery is recognizing each other’s responsibility. There is a head—that is the one who takes responsibility to care for, nurture, protect and hold together; and there is the helper to support. I am conscious at this point of being labelled as a “gender chauvinist” and frankly I think it is understandable. For we have all witnessed how women have been subject to so much of pain and rejection all because men consider themselves “superior”. A sinful world has not only inflicted hurt but forced a change in mind-set so that what God intended and in His infinite wisdom purposed, has now been distorted. Gender equality has become the new anthem and God’s wisdom has been perceived as a bad thing. I will not be drawn into a debate on this topic but will humbly appeal to all who desire God’s best to consider His word.
God desires that the role of the man is to care for his wife. Nurture her as one would a delicate plant or an infant—patience, kindness, gentleness, mercy, understanding, self-control. These are a part of this nurturing. The man also needs to recognize that his role as the head is to provide leadership. In addition he also needs to ensure that he holds his family together. When one looks at the job description of the husband, it becomes evident that if a man is to play this role effectively, he must be completely devoted to and dependent on God. There is no way a man can be an effective head of the house—as both husband and father—without him first being under the authority of God. For just as the life and wisdom and authority of the Messiah flows to the Church, in much the same way, it is the godly life that is nurtured in the husband as he abides in Yeshua, the true Vine, which creates an impact on his family. The man’s dependence on God for wisdom—for he recognizes that through all the storms of life, it is his role as the head to bring stability, strength and courage to his members. The holy life of Yeshua displayed in the husband and father’s behaviour must shine like a light in his household to the point where his silent plea could be—imitate me as I imitate Christ (1Cor. 11:1). The man also knows that he must provide for and protect those that are a part of his body. Likewise, the wife must see her role as a suitable helper. Her submissive demeanour (1Pet. 3:5), godly fear (1Pet. 3:4) and prayerful nature stands as a strong pillar of support to her husband. She recognizes that her responsibility as a co-worker and partner in the above three areas is key to ensuring that the body is one, effective and blessed.
“No man has ever hated his own body but nourishes it and cherishes it just as the Lord does the church” (Eph. 5:29). This is the other aspect that the Lord wants us to realize in a relationship. While placing the two marriage relationships side-by-side, Paul shows how Yeshua’s bride, the church, is part of His body—bone of His bone and flesh of His flesh. This is a mystery too great for comprehension and I confess that I am yet to enter into a fuller understanding of this. Yet what I do understand is that though Yeshua and the church are two persons, there is such oneness between them that Paul declares that one is a part of the other. Let us remember that the context of Paul’s writing is to get the husbands and wives to understand that God desires such oneness in their earthly relationship too.
It is for this reason that I believe that a sanctified, god-fearing family is the primary church. One can compare this to a primary cell that makes up a human body. The cell is not the body and yet the body is made up of the cell. Healthy cells constitute a healthy body. As we already know, the word ‘church or ecclesia’, means an assembly of people. With the husband as the head; the wife as his helper (where the two are a part of each other—body, mind and spirit); raising up children to love and fear the Lord; encouraging trust in each other, love for each other, faith in God and reverent fear for God and His word—such a family becomes the model ecclesia or assembly of the Messiah, which in English is referred to as the ‘church’. Is it any wonder that when Paul gives instructions to Timothy in his first letter, he says that a congregation leader (or what the English translations refer to as overseer) “must rule his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence (for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God)” (1Tim. 3:4-5)? Does it not flow naturally that if there is a successful family under the leadership of the Messiah then there will also be a successful congregation which is made up of several such families?
Finally, what is the goal to which each husband and wife must work? The answer is again in the Bible. We need to only see to what end the Messiah is working and follow suit to achieve the same objective. Several terms in Ephesians 5:26-27 can help us break down our own family goals under the leadership of Yeshua. The first term is “sanctify”. Yeshua having cleansed us by His blood is constantly renewing us by the washing of His word. He is constantly ensuring that we remain sanctified. Another word for sanctified is holy or set apart. Blessed are the husband and wife who realise that their calling as servants of God in raising a family that honours the Most High is to remain set apart as “God’s people” and not behave like the world. This is His very purpose in separating Israel for Himself. The second phrase we read of in the passage is “present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot, or wrinkle or any such thing; that she should be holy and blameless.” May the husband as head and his wife as his helper strive with God’s help to pursue such an objective, for it neatly aligns with the work of Yeshua, the Messiah. In speech, conduct, motive, and love may the entire family—husband, wife and children—be a glorious lamp for their neighbours and society to see the glory of their Father who is in heaven. In them, God’s truth becomes their witness; His word, a light for their path; His grace, their blessing; His will and wisdom, their decisions; confidence in the living God, their prayer and hope.
To the God fearing couples who are already married, I say it is never too late to start aligning your family structure to that of God’s will. Though it may appear an uphill task, when God sees our desire to honour Him, we can be sure that He will act on our behalf. To the young boys and girls who are on the threshold of choosing a life partner I say, pray that the Holy Spirit will renew your mind so that your thinking shifts from the ways of the world to that of comprehending the good, acceptable and perfect will of God (Rom. 12:2). Aspects like: ‘does he have a good job? Is she earning a good salary? Will I have security?’—all these, valid criteria as they are, will move down one’s priority list. To those who have a spouse that is yet to walk in complete obedience to God I say, be faithful in your role. Persevere to play your part as the head (in the case of the husband) or the submissive helper (in the case of the wife). Do not give up because as Peter says, “even if one of them is disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by your behaviour” (1Pet. 3:1-2).
I realize that such writing exposes the bankruptcy there is in Christian families in particular and the church in general. I recognize that after 24 years of marriage, I have only recently come to understand the glory of this mystery and only wish I had understood it earlier. Yet I bow my knees with gratitude to the best Teacher in the whole universe who gently guided me to walk with trust and obedience to His teachings. It took years of small baby steps—trusting God; depending on Him for His will and leadership; recognizing my responsibility to provide mature, godly and exemplary leadership to my wife and children; showing the life of the Messiah in my speech, behaviour and actions; encouraging trust and oneness among each other—the steps were slow but sure. My witness is that our living God who begins a good work is always faithful to carry it to completion.
I know that I have a long way to go before we can be that family that God has intended us to be. But I can testify, as a trustworthy witness, that God has shown through His working in me and my family that what is perceived as ‘ideal’ is actually His achievable will and with His strength it will come to fruition.
Some may look at all that I have written as an “ideal” relationship. Some may perceive ideal as a Utopian, unachievable dream, only good to hold up as "perfect and desirable". However we need to realize that the relationship of the Messiah and Church is real and will be achieved; however we believe. It is not Utopian. It is the very thing the Messiah is working towards (Eph. 5:27). Rest assured, heaven and earth may pass away but none of what God has purposed will return to Him void. May we align our hearts with God’s will for as Job said, “I know that Thou canst do all things, and that no purpose of Thine can be thwarted” (Job. 42:2).
